This Is Me

I began writing this on the fifteenth of June, year 2003. The day my life re-wrote itself.

***

It's four in the morning, and we're two hours from Plymouth. This morning I packed a suitcase, met my best friend at a bus stop, and took off on month long vacation without telling my boss. I dumped my boyfriend when the doors slammed shut.

And I am not sorry.

"You're going to be sorry!" is what Christian told me, and then he made the ugliest expression, his lips locked together, like a small child throwing a tantrum.

"No, no, I'm not going to be." The sound of my duffel bag zipping closed feels fitting; a neat snap, the death of our love.

"You don't love me if you're doing this," He said me flatly, "I cleared my whole schedule to spend tomorrow with you!"

"Well, isn't that a shame?" I said, "I'm so sorry for wanting a life outside of us." I had kept a packed suitcase for two weeks, hoping that he would have a weekend off, or Vince would call me in for a house show, SOMETHING, anything.

"Molly, I spent hours trying to get Vince to give me this week off. Maybe you don't know what it's like being Intercontinental champion, but..."

I picked up my bags, "Yeah, The Intercontinental Championship. A belt HANDED to you by a company in a FAKE promotion." I said, making my way to the door.

"You're just jealous because Vince won't trust you with the ladies' belt anymore!"

I rolled my eyes, "There isn't even a women's division anymore. It's four girls aimlessly rambling through matches without any direction. Now, Vince has made it clear that he doesn't need me at Raw or house shows, and he doesn't seem to have a need for Dawn now that he has Gail, so why don't you let us spend some time alone?"

"I..."

"Shut up." I snapped, closing the door behind him.

I could hear him trailing me down the hall from the apartment, but beating him to the elevator gave me a chance to get down to the street faster.

"...You don't understand that I love you, and that I KNOW that you want to do more and the company won't let you, but I have needs too, and deciding between me and Dawn shouldn't..." He continued going on and on as I made it to the bus stop.

Dawn waited for me, with too much luggage and a smile, "Hey, hon." She looked at Christian and said coldly, "Hello, Christian."

"...And how could you ever think that I don't want to spend time with you? I'm just everywhere doing appearances. I've got Peeps who look up to me..."

"..You mean fans. Stop living the gimmick, honey." Dawn said. Her words seemed to summon the bus, which squeaked to a stop at our feet. She rushed through the open doors, leaving me to deal with Christian.

He grasped my hand as I turned to go. "Please don't leave," He asked me, "Please?"

I touched his cheek as I stepped into the bus, "You'll get over it, Crist. I just need time away, can you take that?"

"You're going to be sorry," He said flatly. I walked onto the bus, and it pulled away as he stood, staring coldly at me.

I climbed into a seat beside Dawn, and she pulled out a Polaroid camera.

"Smile." She said, and I did. The film spat out a picture of the two of us, grinning cheesy grins into the camera.

"This," she said, "Is us now. When we get back, we'll take another picture of the two of us. Just to see how we'll change."

That still sounds like a wonderful idea, and it's been miles and hours since then. I've lost track of green highway signs, reststops, fast food joints and gas stations.

And I'm still not sorry. For once in my life, good lil' Molly Holly's going to live life for herself.

This is me today. Who I'll be tomorrow is a question unanswered.



Go On