Storybook Love

"Maaaatt-yyyy!" Whined the little blue-haired boy through his stuffed-up nose, "I've Playehd allah my Game Cube Games! I'm bored!"

His older, dark-haired brother rolled his eyes while climbing the stairs, "Why don't you read a book, Jeffro?" He asked, entering the boy's room toting a blue crockery bowl of chicken soup.

Jeff coughed, shooting his brother a pathetic look, "Couldn't ya just gimmie a new set a playin' card?"

"You threw them all over the place last time, Jeff." He plopped down on the bed next to his sibling, "I know, I'll tell you a nice story."

Jeff's nose turned up, "I dunno, Matty. I'm kinda tired.."

"Stories are good when you're tired," Matt pointed out, "Now, where do these things usually start out..hmm." HE reached down under Jeff's bed, "That's where I put this thing. You know, Jeff, this book has been passed down from Hardy to Hardy to Hardywitz throughout the generations. It was written by our great grandfather to the eightieth power in a suburb of Florin, Ohio. Dad's dad read it to him, Dad read it to me, and now I'll read it to you."

"Waitaminute!" Jeff protested, "Why didn't he read it to me?!"

"Because you were too busy stuffing gerbils into the microwave and nuking them just to watch them explode," Matt explained in his long-suffering tone, parting the cracked leather cover and licking his pointer finger as he did so, to expedite the turning of the pages. "The Billion Dollar Princess Bride. By R.H. Hardystern. Isn't that an exciting beginning?"

"Yeah, whatever," Jeff said, settling in for a long haul..

"Once upon a time," Matt read, "A long, long time ago, As these things are usually apt to begin, before there were things like airplanes or Congressional excess, There was a beautiful maiden. She was regal, tempestuous woman with hair the color of brown sugar and a nose, unfortunately, in the shape of her father. In all of the villiage of Florin, Ohio, it was agreed, no woman matched the incredible physical beauty of Stephycups."

Jeff felt surprise as he realized that he was actually paying attention, and for someone with a drifting sense of focus like him, that was unusual. He could almost see the rolling, lush hills of Florin, and the rich, sunbaked browns of the wheat-thatched huts of Stephanie's village.

*****

"Now, every young girl of some monetary wealth back then had to have a boy who would cater to your beck and call; it was a status symbol. For Stephycups, that boy was Christly, or as she called him, 'farmboy'."

"Farmboy! Fetch me some wood! Farmboy, polish my saddle; I'd like to see my face shining in it by morning." Invariably, to every order Stephycups shrieked at him, Christly The Farmboy would have one simple response, no matter how arduous the task."

"As You Wish."

"Of Course, that was usually followed under his breath as she walked away by..."

"...CorpustulantBilgeBucketTrollope..."

"Yes, it was a real love-hate-love relationship....more love than hate. One day, Stephycups stood in her father's barn, brushing her horse's mane out until it sparkled (You see, Jeff, there's only one thing Stephycups loved in the whole wide world; her horse. Well, she loved her makeup kit, but it wasn't an animate object.). She reached upward for a clay vase, all the better to water her horse. She couldn't quite reach it, so, as always, she called out:"

"Farmboy!'"

"...And Christly came running to her assistance."

"Fetch me that pitcher," She ordered, "I can't reach it from here." At that moment, their eyes met, and a strange, new feeling stirred up in Stepphycup's soul. For the first time in her life, she added, "..Please?"

He smiled at her, rougishly, as he always had, "As you wish," He said simply.

"It was that day that Stepphycups realized that 'As You Wish' really meant 'I Love You.'"

"No shit?"

"Yes, Jeff. Now shut up." Matt flipped a page and continued, "After that, it didn't take long for the young ones to tumble head-over-heels into love. Christly was set on marrying Stepphycups, but first he felt that he must prove himself as a provider. Every Princess, even back in ancient times, after all, required one and one half baths." Matt continued, "Christly signed up for a tour of duty with the good ship Plot Device, Ransacking and Dramatic Glittery Shirt Devision, leaving Stepphycups alone to await his return, where he would hopefully have gained lots of moolah." Matt's voice took on a sad, sorronous tone, "But one day, Stepphycups received word that the Plot Device had been taken over, and Christly murdered by pirates. Stepphycups was inconsolible."

"'I Will Never Love Again.' She sighed repeatedly to anyone who would listen..." He looked at Jeff over the top of his book, "This is where you should 'Aww', Jeffro."

Jeff shook his head and shifted to a leaning position, "Murdered by Pirates is good," He said icily, "Then what happened?"



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