As I Am

"Reservations made, necklace on, lipstick not on teeth, kids at baby-sitter's..." Thelonius smiles his relief as we stride toward Lugis'. "Don't laugh. I'm trying to remember where I left the keys."

He jammed a hand into his coat pocket, fumbling through its contents until he triumphantly withdrew my keys.

"Congratulations. Your organization skills improve on mine. For once." The teasing quality in my voice isn't lost on him.

"Well, I DID manage to figure out how to program the VCR...a day after we bought the DVD player."

"Yes. Are my heels even?"

"Yes, they are; stop fussing over yourself; you look brilliant."

"You really think so?"

"Why are you so nervous?"

I shook my head to clear away the cobwebs of nervosa. "Mom's been going a bit overboard with the wedding stuff. Poor Laura's having a hard enough time, trying to balance out what she wants and what Mom wants...mostly to make up for what we didn't give her."

Thelonius smiled, sharing my memories. "She knew you weren't going to give up on the dock after we rented that boat."

"But wasn't it nice of her to smile?"

"I think she was attempting to avoid vomiting."

"Mom's never been seasick since, and she never was before. She was nervous," I smiled. "Do I really look nice?"

"I swear on the integrity of my bunsen burner."

"I wish that Laura would just be herself."

"That's not easy, Lisa. You and I both know what it's like to try and impress one's in-laws."

"I suppose it's a part of Laura's emotional baggage. I'm afraid I don't know her very well."

"I understand. And your heels are even."

"What's wrong? Am I too heavy against your shoulders?"

"No, we're standing in the middle of the street. What would Principle Dondalinger say?"

"He wouldn't say anything. Scream? Yes."

He kissed my forehead, and I hooked my arm through his offered one. "The reservations are in the name of Simpson?"

"Yes."

Lugi's hadn't changed: from the double-doors marking the entrance way to the thick tuberose-scented candles melting down the sides of chianti bottles on each crimson-cloth covered table, it was the same as it had been in my childhood.

Well, excepting the crowded waiting area.

"Simpson family, party of seven."

Luigi smiled indulgently at us. "Ah, you see, there is a little problem..."

"You didn't give away our reservation, did you? I specifically made one for early in the evening!"

"Maybe I could maka the other tables go faster, with a little bit of the dinero, no?"

"Mister Lugi, I'm not going to bribe you!"

"Then you wait like nobody you are!"

"Highway robbery!" My husband muttered as we took our places on a long wooden bench before the reservation. "Has Lugi's always been like that?

"The Garlic Garden moved into town and it's made him even crankier," I poined out.

"Yes, competiton is brutal." Thelonius pulled his glasses off, squeezing the bridge of his nose between thumb and forefinger.

"Stress headache?"

"No. Look who just walked in."

A blast of frigid air washed up my leg as Jessica Lovejoy walked in, diamonds sparkling from her ears, her arm wrapped around the very awkward-looking Todd Flanders.

I gritted my teeth against the gloss of Jessica's very image; her saccharine falsehood enervates me, now as she did when we were children.

"Sit still; vipers only notice their prey if it moves too quickly."

I stifled laughter at Thelonius' suggestion. "It's not that she's evil, it's that I don't like what she did to my bro-"

"LISA! Hello!"

"Hello, JESSICA!" I smiled at her. "HOW ARE YOU?"

"We're FINE!! Todd just offered to TAKE ME OUT TO DINNER. Isn't that right, TODD?"

"Actually, dad and mom were busy. We were all going to dinner, but she needed help moving amps into the vestibule after mass yesterday."

Jessica's expression, a riot of anger and irritation, inspired laughter that I quickly choked down. "Did you have reservations, too?"

"We just made them."

"I don't think you'll be eating any time soon; we're behind this family and we had reservations two days ago."

"Well, we'll just see about that!" Jessica was never one to heed the words of another; my husband's travails had no effect on her as she consulted with Lugi. My husband busied himself in discussion with Todd, -Todd apparently had no clue how Thelonius could improve his quads- as Jessica argued vociferously with Lugi.

Sulking, she returned to the waiting area, staking out two empty chairs. "Todd, sit."

He rose a brow in her direction. "I'm not a dog."

"Your father said you'd take care of me for the night. You don't want me to tell Mark you treated me poorly, do you?"

"Will it get me fired?"

"No matter," she smiled brightly. "I know you don't want to spend the rest of your life working in youth ministry. Perhaps you'd like to work with lepers in Kazistan or something..."

"Actually, I would."

Her insult having fallen flat, Jessica crossed her legs and arms, letting out a huffed breath of aggravation.

At that moment, Bart and Laura came through the door.

Thelonius rose to greet them, taking Laura's overcoat and shaking Bart's hand. My brother hugs me briefly, in a way that makes me wonder if he's afraid that the 'cool kids' will see him hug his little sister.

"How's our rising lawyer?"

Bart followed Jessica's voice, took in her tone, and clenched his jaw. "Jessica. Todd, my man."

"Hey, Bart. I meant to tell you last week, you handled the penelty phase of Nelson's trial very well."

"No problemo. It was only a larceny charge."

"But you plead very well for clemency. The state wanted to send him up the river, after the publicity they had for Quimby's trial."

"Yeah, but once I told the DA that Nelson has a son, he told me that he would beg for clemency if he had the option."

"Considering the number of cameras present, I'm surprised you resisted mugging for them."

"I only mug after someone hands me drugged church wine."

Her jaw dropped. "You promised you'd never tell!"

They both burst into laughter, prompting Laura to cough promptly. We all jump at the sound of Lugi's voice.

"Ah yes; Simpsons, table for eight? Right this way!"

"Luigi, my good man! I see you got my 'tip'!" Bart noted briskly.

***

As we split and poured the first bottle of wine, spirts lifted. Tension eased gradually from Laura's whole frame as we joked with the boys about the ridiculous bridesmaid dresses we had seen on our latest shopping trip.

"Missing somebody?"

"Hi, mom," Laura greeted Ruth Powers. I noted tension instantly flooding back into her features.

"Where are Marge and Homer?"

"I'm guessing stuck in traffic," I interjected. "Dad doesn't know how to use the cellphone Thelonius and I bought him for Christmas."

"Typical of Homer," Ruth noted, sitting herself between Bart and Laura. "He's a good man, but he's an animal."

I gulped my wine.

"Laura, did you get my email? Your cousin Robert can't make it, but I heard back from your father..."

Hope flickered across Laura's face.

"...he can't come, but he's sending your grandmother and stepmother instead."

Laura groaned, unable to fight her mother's news with mere words.

"I thought you hated your grandmother," Bart whispered. Laura's eyes pinned him to the wall.

"Mmmm," I grumbled worriedly. "Uh, Mrs. Powers; I believe Laura and I have found wonderful brisdemaids dresses..."

"Huh? You don't want to wear a dress to our wedding, Lis; there's gonna be a lot of fake blood being slung around - ow! Sharp elbows!"

"Bleeding? At a wedding? Are you going with a 'Kill Bill' theme? I know someone who can get schoolgirl uniforms at half-price."

"We're planning on telling you when we tell our parents..."

"Speaking of," Thelonius noted, with some joy in his voice, "there they are!"

Mom and dad, unfrazzled and in their best, walked up to the table and sat down, my mother offering genial greetings and my father picking garlic breadsticks out of the communal basket and tossing them into his mouth.

"What did we miss?"

"Your son was about to tell us something very interesting," Ruth smirked.

"Bart?"

My brother rose from his seat. "Mom, Mrs. Powers, Dad...Laura and I are getting married at the Annual Bi-Monthly Sci Fi Con. By a Justice in Krusty the Klown makeup. I'm going to be Radioactive Man, Laura's going to be Power Girl, and the entire bridal party will be dressed as members of the Pantheon of Equality."

After a brief silence, Ruth Powers wondered aloud, "isn't this where Ashton Kutcher jumps out of the bushes and starts screaming at me?"

"We're serious, mom. Between the two of us, Bart and I own one of the biggest Radioactive Man collections in the country!"

"Do you know what I'm going to look like in a leotard?"

"Ruth, the kids have an interesting idea!" My mother said, with false brightness. "I could make masks!"

"That's not going to help my cottage cheese thighs."

"Well, if we put our heads together, maybe we could brainstorm a better idea!"

"We're not changing our minds, Mom."

"Mmmm.." My mother grumbled.

Silence reigned, our table more noticeable for its lack of noise among the dull roar of the restaurant.

"I saw a special on HBO yesterday," my father said, suddenly, and very cheerfully. "About a man who loved a woman so much that, after he died, he turned her into a mannequin." He nodded his head, taking a sip of wine. "A mannequin, yep."

"Excuse me," Laura said, tossing her napkin onto the table and walking toward the ladies' room.

'Excuse me, too. Woman's thing," I explained lightly, following Laura.

I found her standing in front of the sinks, blotting her forehead with cold water.

"Are you okay?"

I could see amusement and anxiety in her expression. "Your mom and my mom will never listen to Bart and I."

"That's the beauty of having parents; you can defy them."

She laughed, blotting her eyes. "I can't remember trying to please someone like this before. It must really be love, right?"

"When Thelonius and I got married, I promised myself three things; I wouldn't serve meat at the wedding, I would have it by the water, and we would dance to a jazz band."

"And what happened?"

"Thelonius's mother. We served crown roast and danced to a pop band, but when I walked onto the deck of that ship, I felt like a princess."

"We should compromise?"

"Well, less compromise than try to see things from our mom's point of views. They're kind of projecting their visions of happy matrimony on us."

"Maybe we should get married at the con without our costumes."

"Or in a church with the costumes. Reverend Lovejoy's seen worse."

"Thank you for sticking up for me, Lisa. You're a cool kid."

"Thank you," I handed her another tissue.

***

When we returned to the table, Bart was in the middle of demonstrating with a napkin to Mrs. Powers and my mother what a Radioactive Man mask might look like. He paused at the sight of us, his napkin-mask giving him the appearance of one with his hand in a cookie jar.

"How are you?" He asked Laura, pulling out a chair for her.

"I'm fine. My lipstick was smudged."

"Speaking of smudged, I'm willing to smudge my ideas for the wedding. As long as Bart and I can have something of our ideas at the wedding, I'm willing to listen to ideas."

"Laura!" Bart complained.

"I'm trying to be nice." She said diplomatically.

"Oh, Laura! But you have your heart set on it!"

"That's all right, Mrs. Simpson," she said through gritted teeth.

"Am I invited?" Jessica had come to the table without being asked.

"When hell freezes over," I heard Bart mumble.

But, diplomatically, Laura said, "if you can come, we'd be delighted to have you."

Jessica paused. "I'll need a seat up front, on the aisle, and I'll be wearing a hat with a large brim."

"We'll take care of you."

"I'll have to check my schedule. It is a busy season, you know, for a pastor-in-training..."

"We understand..."

"I'll see you. Bart. Laura." We hid our smiles as she slipped away.

"Thanks to that, I think Laura's earned us the wedding of our dreams," Bart joked.

"I agree!" I said.

"And me." Said my husband, amused as ever by Simpson family politics.

"Do I get cake?" my father wondered.

"Of course!"

"Me too!"

"I'm going to vote with the kids this time, Ruth," my mother smiled.

"Well, mom?" Laura wondered.

"Is this my payback for being a lenient parent?"

"Yes."

"Oh, all right! I'll even wear a cape...as long as it's not pink.

At that point, Maggie came up to the table. Sweating profusely and wearing a Spinal Tap tee-shirt she immediately began to explain herself.

"Workout ran late, then I chased down a mugger; Captain Lou said I impressed him with my determination!" She looked into the faces of our amused family. "Did I miss something?"

"Sit down, Mags," Bart smirked.

"We've decided on bridesmaid outfits," I said causally.

She was instantly wary. "Not the ones with the poofy sleeves."

"No.

"Well, anything's better than poofy sleeves."

"That, dear sister," I smirked. "Depends upon how much you like spandex."

Somehow, I think he'll be fine.



The End