The Politics of Kissing

Farquaad shrunk back from the angry orgess, as though envisioning his insides being speared on the fork.

"Wait!"

Fiona frowned down at him. "You were dead."

"Indeed, I thought I was dead, as well." Farquaad straightened his somewhat slimy clothing and tried to regain his dignity. "But I was suddenly and violently expelled from the dragon's stomach two months ago."

"Morning sickness?" Fiona wondered out loud.

"It was disgusting, whatever it was." Farquaad sniffed. "I had planned to return to the glory of Duloc, but my cousin assumed control of the kingdom. It's a terrible mess; they have alternate-side-of-the-street parking."

"So, even if you wanted to have me destroyed, you couldn't?" Fiona remarked.

"I wouldn't want to have you destroyed at all, my dear. Sitting in the stomach of a dragon has a way of changing a person's perspective. I feel somehow less evil, less angry."

"Oh." Fiona guiltily leaned against the pitchfork. "So...now that you're no longer ruling Duloc, what are you doing with the rest of your life?"

"Well, I do have hopes, plans..." He looked downcast. "An interest..."

"Oh? In someone I know?"

"I didn't even say whom it was I was interested." She watched him until his shoulders slumped. "It's Cinderella?"

"I saw her at my wedding; she mentioned she's still single after that nasy divorce with her Charming."

"She's still eligible?" Farquaad's voice turned higher with a deep sense of delight.

"Do you want to meet her? I could arrange something..." Fiona wondered what she was saying, even as she made arrangements and scribbled out Cinderella's address. She almost expected to feel the pitchfork spear her back as she turned to walk away, but none came.

She stroked Dragon's back, climbing on to her. "Why didn't you tell me Farquaad's still alive?"

The Dragon gave her a sheepish look.

"Mamma says to try and think of anything when you're puking."

***

Fiona's thoughts turned inward as she bid Dragon and her children goodbye. Dark clouds gathered in the east, with a wind that made her shiver and drew her back inside. She had been carefully arranging the sunflowers in a glass jar as Shrek burst through the door.

"Fi! I got supper!" He dumped a sackfull of fish out onto the table. Fiona had to admire the scent and health of them...even though one now flopped in her jug of sunflowers.

"I'll put them in a pan; how was your day?"

"You wouldn't believe it if I told ya; the edge of the swamp was infested with dragonflies the size of my palm! But that wasn't all we found."

"Oh?" Fiona asked nervously. "What did you find?"

"Sleeping Beauty! She wouldn't stop crying, kept saying that her fairy godmother's enchantment had worn off. Ye don't think you have the same Godmother, Fi?"

"It's possible." Fiona said thoughtfully. "She did get around quite a bit."

"I felt bad for her. Donkey wouldn't shut up, but I think that helped her stop crying."

Fiona's hand froze on the kettle. A thought built at the back of her mind, but she didn't have the courage to state it.

"Have you seen Puss and his mother?"

As if on cue, the door blew open. Puss and Carmen, soaking wet, scampered into the house and sprawled before the fire.

"It's raining kittens, Senor and Signore." Puss said, shivering.

"How did the hunt go?" Fiona asked, draping blankets over their shoulders.

"Nada." Puss spat. "Duloc has no vacancies."

"Well, there's always plenty of room in the swamp."

"My constitution would not take it!" Snapped Carmen.

"Hey, I'm just trying to help." Shrek responded, his anger percolating.

"I apologize, my prince. It is but the weather."

"I've heard of a town a day's drive more from Dulock. It's called Dunlocke..."

"Dunlocke!" Fiona gasped. "That's Dulock's opposite city!"

"I fail to see the problem..."

"Everything that's true about Dulock is exactly its opposite in Dunlocke. It's dirty, small, and filled with thieves."

"I'm sure it's nothing that bad, Princess."

"My parents took me there when I was a wee one." Shrek said. Something dark shone in his eyes.

"What happened?"

He came to suddenly, as though from a trance. "Nothing."

"Shrek!"

"It's nothing, Fiona!"

"I know you're..."

"ZIP IT, okay?" He stalked away from the table, slamming open their bedroom door.


***

Fiona's own temper was simmering when she entered their bedroom later that evening. When she noticed him on their bed, she stopped in the middle of an angry complaint and watched him.

He held between his hands the picture he had insisted was nothing.

And he was crying.

"Shrek?"

He whipped the picture behind his back. "Fiona..." Sheepishly, he said. "Is Knights on?"

"You're hiding something from me." She said, quietly amazed. "I didn't think you'd ever do that."

"I told you, some things are meant to be private."

"And some things aren't." Fiona said flatly.

"You're gonna have to trust me, Fi. It weren't a pleasant thing, and ye don't wanna know about it."

Her stance melted a little. "I guess I'm being silly." He made room for her in the bed, and she reached over to blow out their candle. "What kind of example would I set for our children?"

She blew out the candle, not noticing the stiffness of his body when she spoke those words. "A fine one, Fiona." He managed to say.

His last words for the night, but definitely not his last thought.



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